I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
