I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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