I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
