I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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