Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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