She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
