for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
