is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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