he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
