I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
