Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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