she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
