You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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