He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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