she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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