It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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