Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
