you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
