I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
