she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
