WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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