They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
