Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
