God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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