i need an iv and a liver transplant
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
