She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
