I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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