I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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