peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
