Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
