I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
