Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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