My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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