alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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