soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
