when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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