I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
