If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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