As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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