we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize