I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
50% drunk capacity currently
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
