I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
