just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
