Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
