Those balls look pretty dangerous.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
