dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
