mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
