It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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