dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
