did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
