I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
