I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
