when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
