just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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