i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
